Oh, please let my body double be hotter than Trump

Of course! They rolled out an assassinated 103-year-old president to pose as Trump.

Overview: Former and extra-impeachy President, Donal Trump, attended his weekend rally in Arizona in name only, although it took shrewd attendees to determine what was really going on: that Trump himself had been replaced by a body double. Why? No one’s really talking about that part likely because the Q-a-mommies are all abuzz with the hot little number who’s replaced Trump onstage: none other than 103YO former—and quite dead—President John F. Kennedy. Obviously he just can’t stay out of the limelight.

What it means to a 50-something year old woman who has been to Hyannis port. Aside from the obvious (how does JFK look so good for his age and post-mortem condition and look so repulsive at the same time?), there’s really only one thing going through my head: if I’m ever replaced by a body double, please let her be hot or at least still warm. Really, the last thing I or any of us wants is someone who actually looks like us. If it were me they were replacing, I’d be ticked that they couldn’t find someone younger, taller, maybe a little more lively. Hotter, sleeker, richer, better, you know? Was JFK, Jr. not available?

Consider that the former and disgraceful leader of the free world (Trump, not JFK) could have easily requested any number of his BFF hotties to step in for him. Take, for example, Steve Bannon. Or maybe Ted Nugent or Mike “My Pillow” Lindell. What about keeping it in the family and rolling Eric out for a change?

But inexplicably getting replaced with a body double who’s a foot shorter and 60 years deader than you? That gotta sting. I mean Marilyn Monroe was amazing but I’m okay if they don’t replace me for her.

What it means to the less vain/more sane among us. JFK was a rockstar among Presidents, bold jawline, amazing lineage (like he’s an Irish Setter), deep pockets, all of the privilege. But just a few administrations later, the same president who launched the space race and Bay of Pigs (wait, scratch that one) is forced to pick up gigs as a Trump impersonator? I’m hoping the gig paid well, although my money is on us never seeing the financials.

Years ago, when the film Indecent Proposal came out, my husband offered that he, too, would sleep with Bob Redford for a million (a few drinks later, the ask was down to $15k). When asked if he’d stand in for Trump, my spouse admitted, yes, for a price but wouldn’t commit to a dollar amount. Hopefully it’s more than he’d charge Bob (and that the circumstances would be different). He’s a teacher (read: cash-strapped) so maybe it makes sense.

Still, I’m concerned about JFK — didn’t women throw underwear at him back in the day? Perhaps we should review that lifetime income for Presidents, maybe extend it a few years or decades.

What this means to my Q-a-mom and Q-anon neighbors. I have absolutely no idea, which I wear like a badge of honor.

Can a suspension actually be permanent?

What does it mean when Twitter tells you to take a hike?
ARTICLE: Twitter permanently suspends Marjorie Taylor Greene’s account for spreading COVID-19 misinformation

TLDR: Twitter tells Marjorie Taylor Greene to stop tweeting from her account — and claims that it’s forever.

In its long history of esteemed bans, MGT was told by Twitter to go sit in a corner and stop telling lies about COVID after rattling off a series of 19 COVID lies on New Year’s day 2022 obviously to preserve the integrity of tweets everywhere. While on the surface, this may seem like the ticket to shut Marj up for a bit, it likely won’t be as sad an occurrence as Trump’s full-on ban was for him, since he was as dependent upon the platform as he likely was on his nightly cofeve…

What Marjorie Taylor Greene’s permanent suspension means if you’re a …

50-something year old woman with advanced degrees in the humanities: Your first reaction: “Marjorie Taylor Greene can compose a tweet?” Since she’s barely coherent most of the time, this thought rattles your world. Then you find your Twitter login (for one of the five troll accounts you created after November 2016) and put that thought out of your brain because coherence obviously isn’t essential.

Your second reaction: Will anyone care? You consider shooting off a DM to the uncle, great-aunt, and hillbilly cousin you blocked in 2016, again in 2017, 18, 18, and 20, until it finally stuck, but don’t want to remind them that you’re still alive.

Your third reaction: where’s the logic. It’s the bane of your humanities degree no doubt, but isn’t a “permanent suspension” an oxymoron? The definition of “suspension” is a temporary halt, so how can something temporary be permanent. After all, is a divorce merely a suspension of your marriage? Is repossession just a suspension of your car loan? Is telling your boss to go fuck himself just going to result in HR telling you to take a temporary departure from your job? When we argue Roe v. Wade, can we just call them suspended pregnancies? Because, sure, that all makes sense.

Middle-aged marketer: The numbers show you that normal people don’t actual read anything on Twitter anyway, which is why your demand-gen programs there always tank. Only the press gives a shit about what happens on Twitter now. MGT should just stick to Facebook — lots of whack-ass old people there.

High school student: Huh? When I was suspended for telling my teacher to go fuck himself, I was only out 3 days. Wasn’t worth it. Had I been in class, I would have been exposed to COVID by the mouth-breather next to me and gotten a full 5 days away from school.

Everyone else: Ha..hang…hang on. Watching Tik-Tok.

Update (Jan 9 2022): Surprise! Marjorie Taylor Greene has another Twitter account. According to Newsweek, she began tweeting from it again this week — after she told her followers to leave Twitter. I know … logic.